…the jester stole his thorny crown….
It’s been a little while since I’ve written for a couple reasons; 1 I’m lazy…. That’s the main reason but there’s also 2, I have a tendency to try to feel glory with my bolgging. I’ve been really guilty of coming back to my posts often to check my stats and see how many people like me….
Um, I mean how many people like my post….
So, I’m admittedly a glory grabber, I have been the jester that stole His thorny crown and let me tell you, it can be fun for a time and feel good, but the thorns are gonna tear you up and then tear you down. There was only ever one Man (the Son of Man) who was worthy of the crown or who could even bear the pain of those thorns and I absolutely know this now. But, for a time I found myself reaching for that crown and placing it on my head to do my jester’s dance for a time, and for a time it’s great, I fixed problems, I made people laugh, and I felt loved and admired…. but it was only a short period before I stumbled in the steps and crashed to the floor in pain and humiliation. Laughter always turned to tears, and the tears usually weren’t mine.
There is a an entire class of videos on the Youtubes dedicated to exactly what I do, they call them “Fails,” they usually start with, “hey watch this,” and end somewhere in an emergency room. I used to watch these and laugh at the idiots trying to jump fires on motorcycles or motorcycles on fire, but all the while I was racing my own burning motorcycle toward a big pile of more motorcycles (which were also on fire.)
Why do we do this? I can’t speak for y’all (trust me that’s a good thing) but for me I think it comes from a feeling of ownership of His gifts, I have to remember that I’m not the owner, only the operator of the gifts. A church friend of mine told me that she prays that she can “get out of God’s way” so that she can be used to do His work. This is a great prayer but I also realized something, even when I think I’m in charge and I’m glorifying myself, God is still working through me. He’s still using the gifts he’s given me even though I’m trying to stand in the spotlight.
I know also for me this glory grabbing started because of my issue of thinking that I could balance out my sin (well childhood issues also but…), I really needed my good deeds to have a spotlight on them, but that spotlight was just casting a huge shadow on my sin, keeping it hidden even from myself. “Pay no attention to the sinner behind the shadow” (Wizard of Oz reference? Too dated, not applicable? Crickets?)
So, how do you fix it? Really good question and I’m glad you asked. I just let go, like the lady from paragraph 4 said, “I pray to get out of God’s way.” (I know you’re counting paragraphs now and some may argue that this quotation is from paragraph 5 but that one liner doesn’t count as a paragraph) I pray that God will give me the wisdom to see into my own heart and I ask for brutal honesty about my motivations. For instance, I noticed that I got more readership when I used the tag ‘sin’ (shame on y’all) and so I started doing that, perfectly legit, in all my posts I try to unpack my sin to keep myself a little more accountable but, I also know it will get attention.
Here’s the crazy part though, (not tinfoil hat crazy, just sort of ironic I guess) the other day when I was looking through Netflix (I’ll be blogging about the experience later… trust me) and I noticed that Netflix suggested group of videos that was based on something I watched before I gave myself to Jesus. It was list of sexy type shows and I admit I was curious and browsed the list (I still have moments of weakness.) But the video I found on this dirty little list was somehow a documentary on poverty that I watched and it really moved me (more on that later.) So, guess if He will use your sin to guide you where he needs you (if you guessed yes you’re at the top of the class today.)
In other words even though I tag sin to get more people to read my blog, the very people who are attracted because of sin are those who could benefit from reading about a redeemed (most days) sinner. Not only that but when I was praying about blogging and trying to really beware of my self-servitude a voice spoke up in my head, “Do it for them.” I give up that thorny crown and I know He forgives me for thinking it would fit.
My visitors are usually anonymous right? And out of the tens of people who visit maybe there’s one out there who is like I was, who needs to know that Jesus died for us because not only are we not perfect but because we have no chance of being perfect, ever. I am staying out of God’s way in my life, I am choosing to let go of control of any of His gifts that may reside in my flesh and pray to be guided by Him. I neither want, nor could I bear the responsibility of His crown, and I much prefer the crown of love and compassion he offers in Psalm 103: 1-5.
“Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”