Broke Down Blossom

discardedcolor

Blossom down

Landing on

Forgotten ground

Just like love lost

A heart tossed

Aside                                                                                                                                                   Shoved by

Pride

Hearts held back

Hearts weak hearts slack

A small room, where damage lives

A small piece that I could never give

Like a blossom dropped from the dozen

Like a piece stopped, held frozen

But in it danger dwells

And the need only swells

I grasp at the stems

Desperate for control

Fists clenching my soul

Bloody briars sting my skin

Exposing liar’s sin within

I am the weak the broken flower

Need takes over, stealing power

I give in                                                                                                                                                       She gave up

In love she left

 

discarded

The blossom on the floor

 

I can’t tell if that poem is happy or sad… both maybe?

I think I have always worshiped women… The statement by itself sounds amazing I suppose, who wouldn’t want to be worshiped? Well, it’s how that worship is put into practice that is the problem. I loose myself… I pour myself into the worship… only I hold a tiny little bit back.

That tiny little bit is the part of my heart/mind that clings to my victim attitude, that holds to old habits, and that whispers in my ear at night, “You’re gonna loose her.”

 

Fear made me worry, worry turned to anxiety, anxiety turned to acting out, and soon I had created the exact situation I feared so much…

Welp, I’m done doing that, (o.k. I’m getting ready to start being done…) I’m working on a true and pure love, a love that can only come from/through God and it feels pretty peaceful. How?

Million dollar question baby!

Probably the biggest thing is to trust God. I’ve seen some amazing movement in my life and I had a revelation that was/is mind blowing the other day. I’ll share it with you sometime (look at me building suspense!) when I can think of how to tell the story without sounding bat *poopie crazy. (I’m also trying not to curse these days, which requires heroic effort and vocabularic control)

For now I try to remember what love should be and the following helps me to stay focused on exactly that.

1 John 4:18-19

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
 We love because he first loved us.
*I’m also trying not to curse these days, which requires heroic effort and vocabularic control
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My Version of Humble….

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youversion

 

As you may have been relieved to notice I haven’t posted much lately. Nope, not so much as a hacked out haiku about a flippin’ fluffy white cloud, or a prosaic personal story about growth, redemption, or what an ahole I’ve been (or am being)… etc.

For any interested it’s because I’m learning a new skill; web development… Yep as a huge fan of Spider-Man growing up it was bound to happen (see what I did there?). It is so amazing to be a man of a certain age trying to learn something brand new. Frustration and Satisfaction frequently  trade places.

It does remind me though, of my teaching days when I just couldn’t get why a kid just couldn’t get what I was teaching. If only back then I would have been trying to learn something new. You see I’ve never heard teachers gravitating toward a subject he or she hated or even one that didn’t come naturally to us. So, it is easy to forget the frustration and difficulty of learning something new.

But I digress, so you have not been assaulted by my alliteration lately because rather than write poetry or prose I have been writing in languages new and unique; html, css, javascript, js node… and  a few others. (and y’all… there’s no spell check!)

I have, however, still been making time for some quick (if questionable) witticisms on facebook and one theme I began was “Stayin’ Humble.” Where I describe a recent or current success and then back it up with a silly slip, facetious failure, or foolish faux pas (whoa, the alliteration can build up and then come rushing out, if you don’t have an outlet!)

Today one occurred to me that relates exactly to new learning and really any journey and it relates to my Bible app

(which I have meaning to tell y’all about because I love it!) So I decided to take a moment to put some words down and hit the old publish button (was that redundant?) and see what y’all thought.

My hubris to humble (yup) post for today was as follows (or close to as follows)

“Yesterday while redoing some of my old assignments I’m realizing that I’m actually getting pretty good at web development, it’s easy sometimes to get lost in the moment of trying to keep up with all the new learning and then forget to look back to where you started so you can appreciate the journey thus far. It gave me some reassurance to my process. So, I’m feeling pretty good about that, but then today I realized that the Online Bible Study I’ve been doing on vanity for the past 4 days is for women, so Stayin’ Humble (although feeling really beautiful on the inside for some reason).”

So, like I said I thought I was writing about my progress in class, but probably also really writing about my progress in recovery (whoa…. subconscious life learning and reflection… BAM!) In the case of my recovery (and really everywhere else) I don’t have to search for ways to be humble because my real humility comes from knowing that all of the good in my life comes from God, and the knowledge that when I try to work my gifts I mess up, (like accidentally jamming my pinky up my nose while washing my face) but when I get out of God’s way amazing things can happen.

Like the scripture on the ring that I always wear now….

 

I can do all things through Christ who is my strength. Phillipians 4:15

 

*The above image is from the youversion bible app, download the app at youversion.com or from the app store or wherever you android users get stuff for your phones…

Heart!

Attack!

goals

Broken

Battered

Disarrayed

Tattered

Stepped on

Dis-repped on

Projected pain

Falling rain

On hearts around

Heart Attacks

the circle attracts

 

Beating fast or slow

with pressure

High or low

Medicated

Dedicated

to something new

Damage?

Done!

Healing from the Son

Of man I weep

Promises to keep

A heart can heal

A heart that feels

True love again

 

Happy Valentimes day!

Wow what a journey, I started this about 7 months ago, honestly to get the attention of someone who walked away from my deceits, mistreats, and lies.

Then I thought I was writing for someone out there, some unknown hurt soldier trying to carry on… carry on through the pain. I was right, except that soldier was me. I started writing based on 25 Bible verses sent to me from someone who introduced me to God’s grace, and it was a good thing to because only God has enough grace for me. I gotta give props to the blog that I um… borrowed these from

25 Encouraging Bible Verses for Stress

I went outside the lines a couple times but today is the entry that uses the last verse from her post. Honestly I’m a little afraid to venture out alone, I’m certainly not done with blogging, but I’ll have to find inspiration and a starting point elsewhere (a rose is a rose is a rose?) I’m a little afraid of letting go of what I thought I was writing for also… but then I remember that He who loves me is bigger than any fear and that I can put my trust in him. God bless!

Joshua 1:9  “Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

*yes I know I wrote “valentimes day” it amuses me to mispronounce it   🙂

 

 

 

Your name….

 

heather

Cries out but on my lips it dies

You led me to find a different prize

Always my heart will carry the wound

Of the harm I’ve done, love done too soon

 

My deeds betrayed a heart so dark

Your pure love a gift, that first little spark

Showing  with light that I was him

Who needed change from deep within

 

You left me, go heal your scars

Leaving my love to give afar

I wish you could see His light you’ve stirred

A life with Him that would never occurred

 

The last gift I have for you is  peace

a silent, unspoken, heartbroken release….

 

Well today is tough for me. Even though I don’t feel like I deserve to feel sorry for myself and I guess really I’m not. I was on the brink of sending something anonymously to a past love who I really just want to show some appreciation to for all that she showed me and gave to me.

I didn’t respect and care for that love and to contact her would just cause pain. I had a gift ordered on Amazon… ready to ship… with a cute little note. I realized I was doing it for me and not for her (well mostly for her but also for me I guess…. it’s confusing) before clicking the checkout button I decided to email a friend about it… more than a friend and accountability partner who is also my sponsor in recovery. Waiting for me was an email from him with the following quotation…

Let nothing disturb you.

Nothing dismay you.

All things past.

But God never changes.

Whoever has God lacks nothing.

If you have only God,

You have more than enough.

-Teresa Avila

Wow, how wonderful the way God works, he lifted me out by moving my buddy, and he saved the woman (my ex) from a painful reminder of my actions.

So rather than send something to here I decided to assault y’all with my questionable poetry….. at least this one’s not about clouds right?

I think I will always struggle with love, I will always worry that I am not good enough to receive love….. ouch wow, I don’t know if I’ve ever admitted that before.

The crazy thing is….. I’m not, nothing I ever do will be good enough for Our Father to love me… but he does anyway.

In fact He did something amazing for us all because of that love…

 

John 3:16  “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

 

 

Lines of Power

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Lines of power

Divided

Colored sky

Partition

Provided

Infects mind’s eye

 

People

Separated

Deprecated

Kept always apart

Not allowed to see

Beauty of a Whole

Heart

 

People

Categorized

Compromised

Safely keeping mine near

Prejudice fed

on ignorance and fear

 

Truth

A light so

Bright Beautiful

Blurring the lines

Showing Shadows

In power

As stronger it shines

No more dreading

 

Now

Shedding

Lies of Power

 

Yep, another cloud picture that inspired a little poem of questionable worth. I think we have to be careful of power (only through our weakness can we find strength) and we should be careful about the power that comes from fear. Fear can actually help us to do great things but (if I can quote Mr. Ollivander from Harry Potter, which I think I can)  great but terrible things…

I’m reminded of Romans 12:16 (o.k. I did a google search for community bible verses but “I’m reminded of” has a nicer ring to it don’t you think?)

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

 

Ground Hog Day in Texas…

.groundhog

Explained….

First of all we are actually supposed to go by Bee Cave Bob, the Armadillo who predicts the weather for Texas. Having said that there are some criteria for those who need to interpret the result of either mammalian measure of weather, be it furred or armoured.

When the groundhog sees his (or her, it is 2017, can’t we get a female groundhog by now?) shadow for the rest of the country it means 6 more weeks of winter.  However in Texas this isn’t the case.

In Texas it means 6 more days of winter (not necessarily in a row.) But, that’s only if we’ve had a winter yet by Ground Hog Day (Armadillo Day? I don’t see Bill Murray cracking wise driving with an armored bunny.) If we haven’t had winter yet when the groundhog sees a shadow (I avoided the gender pronoun, look at me keeping up with the times!) then that means that Winter will start for Texas (not necessarily right away) and there will probably be a few days of winter but not more days since we haven’t had any days of winter at all yet. Make sense?

In either case it will mean that we will have some winter days for a few days, then some spring days (anywhere from 1 to 16) and then one real day of winter (temps below 45) then probably a day of summer mixed with some fall days for some reason.

This will, of course continue and Texas will gradually warm up and level off late February (right around my birthday) unless it gets really cold and icy like it did in 2013.  Otherwise it will warm up until everyone thinks it’s safe to move our plants back outside then we’ll get three days of hard freeze, either in early March, or late April, or basically whenever it happens.

After that it’s not just summer, but summer on the sun with temps between 100 and 130, until a norther comes in with its billowing black clouds, pelting sleet, and freezing rain sometime in June like that time I was trying to drop off the trailer at my in laws and nearly froze in my t shirt and shorts (y’all remember right?)

It’s pretty simple really but if you’re not from Texas it might be hard to understand at first so I hope this explanation helped.

O.k. seriously though I decided to be a little silly for this post since I’ve been heavy and dark lately. We obviously have no control over the weather in Texas or anywhere else so it’s easy to accept unpredictable and difficult to understand patterns. In fact here in Texas we joke about it quite often and try to laugh it off. If you don’t like the weather wait 5 minutes and it will change…

Our lives are like that also, only sometimes we decide whether our life is fair or unfair or just etc. That part isn’t up to us. God’s work is like the weather (I guess the weather is God’s work?), we can’t predict it, nor can we always (or sometimes ever) understand it. Because I’m learning to trust God in all that he does I am starting to see his work in me. It hasn’t always been easy, sometimes it feels like that icy day in February when my sister called me to tell me, “daddy passed away.”

Sometimes it feels like the warm spring sun on my face as I look up at a beautiful sunset and listen to my kids laughing at the lake. I trust God though, and I remember he works all things for my good, even when my mistakes have cast such a shadow I wish I could hide for 6 months or so… or since I’m in Texas… 6 days?

Romans 8:28  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

I forged this Chain

 

Pulling me down

black-out-chains

 

 

The first link a gift
Whispered in the dark
Words wicked twisting
Wrapped around my heart

Actions to be hidden
A crime in the night
My own links forged
Hiding truth from sight

Lies lengthen by links
so long grew the chain
Broken body sinks
Surrender to the strain

In weakness I surrender
as I call out His name
My Savior who renders
me free from this shame

Broken

Links lie scattered
Lies brought to light
a life in tatters
another love taken flight

In Freedom though
His love settles deep
In my heart a new prayer
A greater truth to keep

I realized the other day (it was after I wrote this) that I keep focusing on my lies… almost to the exclusion to the reasons I had to lie. Of course it’s part of the shame cycle, hiding and lying the shame only lets it grow. But I’ve been staring so hard at my lies that it made me go into denial about my actions.

Either way, actions, shame, lies held in and held in the dark grow like so much mold on our hearts, they grow into a barrier between us and God, and therefore between ust and healing.

When I start to think that I’m too broken, too filthy, and that the chain is too strong for anyone to do anything about I remember Jeremiah 32:27

“I am the Lord, the God of all mankind.  Is anything too hard for me?”

and I know that He can break the chain and shed light on my denial. I just have to remember to ask…