Breaking Down


I’ve always had a taste for cool, horrible cars (vehicles.) From an International Scout to a  80’s GMC Jimmy to a 70’s Honda Chopper. The horribleness (is that a word?) of these cars wasn’t from design so much as age, time isn’t kind on vehicles that rely on controlled, timed, and contained explosions for propulsion.

My favorite of the alleged vehicles was my Subaru Brat. I’ve pictured one above for those of you unfamiliar with Japan’s small answer to the Chevy El Camino. If you don’t know what an El Camino is you obviously grew up in a better neighborhood than me.

At any rate my criteria for cars was driven more by a desire for uniqueness than the actual ability to get me anywhere. Therefore I often found myself paused or pushing these rolling expressions of my rugged individualism as they sputtered and and threw smoke (as well as my poor choices) in my face.

Inevitably though, either while I was pushing, stalling or just sweating without a.c. I would see and even more decrepit car plugging along nicely with no smoke, sputters, or backfires. Vents blowing vigorously through the hair of the diver and lifting it in glorious waves of arctic air as they would turn a corner and dive on.

Beads of sweat would roll down my forehead and past my frown as I would wonder, “Why? Why does that piece of crap run while my piece of crap doesn’t?”

I was reminded of this the other day when thinking of people who get ahead and have their great lives or relationships even though they lie, cheat, and steal.

I’m working on building my life in Christ and as I started building God broke me down. Down to the low dirt, and he did it with exactly the parts that He needs built up.

Luckily as I sat there smoking and sputtering in the wreckage of my life I had someone there to remind me to trust God. I was reminded that it wasn’t my job to ask why I should have my world crash around me and why, once again, I caused so much pain when there are some who are so much worse who still prosper. It was and is my job to trust God and live his will and not my own.

I’m no theologian (good thing to because I can’t pronounce the word) but I know that sometimes evil will prosper, sometimes marriages that are grounded in the world will go on while one that is being built in Christ will stall and break down. Crappy cars will always drive past stalled out “better cars.”

It would be easy to question why. Why God? Why does the cheater have his wife and kids while my mistakes haunt me even after I’ve invited you into my heart? Why do the shady dealers get so much money while I struggle to pay my bills while trying to live by your will? Why does my car stall out even after I’ve handed you the wheel?

It would be easy and even natural to ask all those questions, but that’s not part of trusting God’s plan. When these questions pop into my head I smile and I trust God and I remember to be thankful for what I have. I’ve had the love of a kind and caring woman whose physical beauty was surpassed and enhanced by her spiritual glow. A woman who showed me the power and the glory  and the pathway to loving God. I have enough money to pay those bills, I have a job that I love and believe in, and I have a family and kids that show me the power of giving and receiving God’s love.

When my brain tries hard to keep asking God why, I remember the first verse that my Angel sent me and it brings me peace.

John 14:1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me.”

First blog post

FFSomeone saved me, I Believe that God sent me an Angel. I needed this Angel because I was so broken and God had plans for me, without the Angel in my life I wouldn’t have survived.

When I was first broken down (through my own actions that God brought to the light) my Angel sent me a list of 25 Bible verses to get me through the troubled season and so that I could learn to trust God and give up my anxiety to Jesus. My Angel showed me the pathway back to God and provided an example of what living as a Christian could be.

This blog will start with those verses and then see where we go from there.

The Theme Great to Good to me signifies that I was a “Great Guy” but I am transforming to a “Good man.” What does that mean? I’m not sure exactly other than I’ve been described as a great guy, someone who will help you build your deck, tile your house, finish up that work project, or just bring over frozen lasagna when your dog eats your dinner.

But that great guy feeds off of all the praise and thanks from his friends, he has to have the attention and he will even loose his self respect or even himself as he has to glorify himself in order to feel like a man. The Good Man that I want to be understands that God knows he is good enough, that God loves him, and that he can trust God to fill the hollow, empty part of his heart.

I am so not done healing, but I wanted to invite you all to take this journey with me in hopes that I could help some of you with similar issues, or even that some that have been here before me could also offer advice and support.